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| Source: Wiki |
New Year Resolution #1: stop buying pills from a dealer named Morpheus. Resolution #2: find someone more famous than the Mormon Tabernacle Choir to perform at President Trump’s inauguration.
No offense to the MTC – they have their place in history, having previously played for Lyndon Johnson and Richard Nixon. The fact that Johnson took the country to war while Nixon resigned in disgrace is purely coincidental.
The Devil may have all the best tunes but the Democrats have all the best acts, from Frank Sinatra (who performed at John F Kennedy’s Inaugural Gala) to Aretha Franklin and Beyonce, both of whom performed for Obama. The best the Republicans could do was Ethel Merman, who performed God Bless America at Ronald Reagan’s Inauguration Ceremony, although Dubya Bush’s “star-studded” 2001 Inauguration included Ricky Martin, Jessica Simpson, and 18 Degrees.
Talent like that doesn’t grow on trees so Trump may have to make do, especially now that Elton John, Andrea Bocelli, KISS and Katy Perry have ruled themselves out. Or he could call one of the following bands, each of which is sure to get the crowds pumped up on January 20th.
10. Barney Rubble And The C**t Stubble
Who They Are: No doubt for commercial reasons, this New York “porn rock” group also goes by the name The Stubbles. They like growly vocals, fast women, and profanity, and their album Soap Sud Enema features such merry sing-a-longs as We Stick Our Dicks In Retarded Chicks, Ziggy The Midget And His Six Foot Prick, and Hermaphrodite Homo-Lesbian Slut. Bet they’ve never sold out Wembley Stadium.
Why They Should Play: As the saying goes, desperate times call for desperate measures. Instead of reaching out to a runner-up from America’s Got Talent, why not book an act the President-elect might actually enjoy?
Face it: if you saw Trump on live television, singing along to We Stick Our Dicks In Retarded Chicks, it wouldn’t even scrape the surface of the worst things he’s ever done.
TOP TRACKS: Buttslut, Erotic Facial Cream
9. Nashville Pussy
Who They Are: Formed in 1996, Georgia’s Nashville Pussy play the kind of sleazy rock you can imagine playing on the jukebox during a barroom brawl. Despite a Grammy nomination for their song Fried Chicken And Coffee, they’re still an underground band, a fact that may have something to do with their record titles. Let Them Eat P*ssy and Keep On F**kin’ Live In Paris are not usually considered commercially viable by Walmart.
Why They Should Play: A sleazy, disreputable candidate with a penchant for grabbing women by the pudendum deserves a sleazy, disreputable band with a penchant for song titles likely to anger feminists. Among their more outrageous songs are Struttin C*ck, Pussy Time and The Bitch Just Kicked Me Out.
TOP TRACKS: I’m The Man, Go Motherf**ker Go
8. The Bambi Molesters
Who They Are: There just aren’t enough surf rock bands from Croatia, so since their formation in 1995, The Bambi Molesters have taken their music across the globe, opening for R.E.M. on several occasions. If you’ve ever wondered what 50s California pop sounds like when played by musicians from Eastern Europe, check out their debut album Dumb Loud Hollow Twang. And don’t miss the hula dancers in the video for Bikini Machines.
Why They Should Play: Bill Clinton considered himself a rock and roll President, never turning down an opportunity to be seen alongside bands like U2 and R.E.M., so if Trump has to appeal to the second tier musicians, he could do a lot worse than The Bambi Molesters (he’s allied himself with far less reputable groups, after all). TBM just want to rock out and give the audience a good time, and you can’t say fairer than that.
TOP TRACKS: Theme From Slaying Beauty, Bikini Machines
7. Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13
Who They Are: Prior to joining Murderdolls in 2001, Wednesday 13 (Joseph Poole to his folks) fronted Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13, who followed the blueprint laid down by The Misfits and White Zombie: three-minute rock songs inspired by (and named after) b-movies. Wednesday’s departure put the kibosh on the band, but in later years it was resurrected as a side project with an ever-changing line-up.
Why They Should Play: When Elton John won’t return your phone calls, you need Frankenstein Drag Queens From Planet 13, who play no-nonsense rock and roll with a simple message: F**k You. If your mission is to make your country great again, you need to announce your ascendancy to the White House with a sledgehammer.
Mr. Motherf**ker, the opening track from their album Night Of The Living Drag Queens, should do nicely.
TOP TRACKS: Scary Song, I Love To Say F**k
6. Nazis From Mars
Who They Are: If you find this Dutch punk band’s name offensive, you should probably avoid their 2003 release F**k You, which contains such merry tunes as I Hate This World and Riot Riot (and lead singer Vanya seemed like such a nice girl). Never has misanthropy been more infectious.
Why They Should Play: Are you a political joke whose rise to power was marked by riots and racially motivated violence? Do white nationalists constitute the bulk of your supporters? Do members of your cabinet enjoy burning crosses?
If you answered YES to all three questions, then you need to give Nazis From Mars a call. In songs such as F**k You Anyway and Why Don’t You Like Us, they explore the isolation and loneliness that comes from calling yourself a Nazi.
TOP TRACKS: Night Of The Phantom, F**k You Anyway
5. Kinky Friedman And The Texas Jewboys
Who They Are: You know Bill Clinton owns a record by this satirical Country & Western group because lead singer Kinky Friedman has penned a number of humorous detective novels that became favorites of the former President. However, history has failed to record Clinton’s opinion of the songs How Can I Tell You I Love You (When You’re Sitting On My Face) and They Ain’t Making Jews Like Jesus Anymore.
Why They Should Play: If there’s one thing that unites Clinton and Trump, it’s their love of “locker room talk.” As the writer of Waitress Please Waitress Come Sit On My Face, The Kinkster (as Friedman’s friends call him) is no stranger to casual sexism, so perhaps their combined denigration of feminists could help make America great again.
TOP TRACKS: !*$% from El Paso, Get Your Biscuits In The Oven And Your Buns In Bed.
4. Elvis Hitler
Who They Are: Sometimes known as Jim Leedy, Elvis Hitler, and his group have been playing their brand of hillbilly punk rock on and off (mostly off) since the late 80s. Needless to say, the name guaranteed they would never achieve commercial success, although the band did manage one important distinction: they’re the first psychobilly band to be mentioned in a Thomas Pynchon novel.
Why They Should Play: Hitler goes to the White House? Couldn’t happen here, buddy, this is the Greatest Nation On Earth.
But on the off chance that he did, it’s good to know that Elvis Hitler plays good old fashioned rock and roll, the kind that leaves audiences breathless and begging for more. The fact that the band’s playlist includes the songs Don’t Blame Me If You Die Tonight, Rocking Over Russia and World Explodes is neither here nor there.
TOP TRACKS: Live Fast Die Young, Cool Daddy In A Cadillac
3. Anal C**t
Who They Are: Begun as a joke, and supposed to play one show, AC somehow managed to stretch their career out from 1988 to 2011, releasing such ‘classic’ grindcore albums as Morbid Florist, Everyone Should Be Killed, 40 More Reasons To Hate Us and, aptly enough, It Just Gets Worse. It’s difficult to say anything more about the band that recorded the song You Were Too Ugly To Rape So I Beat The S**t Out Of You.
Why They Should Play: A joke President deserves a joke band, but AC’s suitability is enhanced by their apparent fixation with fascism, as shown in the disarmingly titled I Went Back In Time And Voted For Hitler and Hitler Was A Sensitive Man. Their songs are alternately mean (I Sold Your Dog To A Chinese Restaurant), homophobic (I Just Saw The Gayest Guy On Earth) and misogynistic (Women: Nature’s Punchline), but mostly they come across as teenage boys desperate to get your attention (Your Kid Committed Suicide Because of You Suck).
They’ll fit right in with Trump’s cabinet.
TOP TRACKS: All Our Fans Are Gay, I Lit Your Baby On Fire
2. Black Pimpin Jesus
Who They Are: Were they not from Johannesburg, this four-piece rock band might have encountered Marilyn Manson levels of controversy, which would’ve been undeserved because, name aside, BPJ are as inoffensive as they come. They play good time rock and roll, the kind you can imagine blasting from beach party speakers or being used in a car commercial.
Why They Should Play: Radiating optimism (Everything Is Okay) and pragmatism (Normal Is A Setting On A Washing Machine) in equal amounts, BPJ are the kind of band that a disunited America needs in 2017. Perhaps they could follow Rebecca Ferguson’s lead and agree to play on the condition that they perform Billie Holiday’s Strange Fruit.
A song about the lynching of African Americans, Strange Fruit was considered controversial in the early 20th Century, but Ferguson describes it as “a song that speaks to all the disregarded and downtrodden black people in the United States. A song that is a reminder of how to love is the only thing that will conquer all the hatred in this world.”
TOP TRACKS: Everything Is Okay, Can’t Pretend
1. Jello Biafra And The Guantanamo School Of Medicine
Who They Are: You can always count on former Dead Kennedy’s frontman Jello Biafra to be outrageous, and after working with Melvins and Mojo Nixon, here he is with his own band, satirising the state of the world as he sees it. On their debut release, 2009’s The Audacity Of Hype, the singer puts the boot to everything from the dotcom bubble to Viagra, though his attitude is perhaps best summed up by the title of their 2013 follow-up album, White People And The Damage Done
Why They Should Play: In 2004, with Arnold Schwarzenegger serving his first term as Governor of California, Jello Biafra altered the lyrics of the Dead Kennedys song California Uber Alles to reflect the very real fear that the Austrian Oak might one day find his way into the White House.
With Trump about to move into 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue, Biafra has no shortage of songs to describe life under a former reality TV star – Let’s Lynch The Landlord, Triumph Of The Swill, Nazi Punks F**k Off, Holiday In Cambodia etc. Failing that, he could always alter the lyrics of Kill The Poor to Build The Wall.
TOP TRACKS: Pets Eat Their Master, Miracle Penis Highway
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